Article by by Gwen Jones, Department of Family Services
(Posted 2023 March)
A Death Café is where people gather to discuss death, often while eating cake and drinking tea. The objective is "to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives." Death Cafés are led by a facilitator, but the discussion that takes place is directed by the group, with no agenda, objectives, or themes. A Death Café is a discussion group, not a grief support group or a counseling session.
Death Cafés were the brainchild of Jon Underwood, who hosted the first Death Café in his home in London in September 2011. Together with his mother, Sue Barsky Reid, Underwood developed the Death Café model and produced a guide for people to run their own Death Café. Death Cafés have been hosted all over the world, including Fairfax County.
Librarian Hannah Risley has been facilitating Death Cafés since 2017, first with Alexandria Library and more recently at Pohick Regional Library, a branch of Fairfax County Public Library. To prepare, Hannah reached out to Death Positive DC founder Sarah Farr, who provided training. Hannah also familiarized herself with the Death Café how-to guide, available at deathcafe.com.
Hannah’s experience facilitating Death Cafés has been very positive. Despite the somber topic, she finds that facilitating a Death Café is similar to leading a book club. Her primary role as facilitator is to ensure that everyone has a chance to speak. Hannah begins each of her Death Cafés by asking attendees to introduce themselves and state why they decided to attend the event. At the conclusion of the introductions, she asks the group if there was something mentioned during the introductions that they want to discuss. After this conversation starter, the discussion continues with little help required.
Hannah has grown to love facilitating Death Cafés because each event brings a new mix of people, and the discussions are always varied and interesting. The discussion topic during one of her most recent Death Cafés was green burials and environmentally friendly funerals. The reasons why people choose to attend the events also vary. Many attendees have experienced a recent life-changing event, such as the loss of a loved one or birth of a child, while some attend simply out of curiosity.
Hannah believes that discussing death can be liberating, saying “If we don’t talk about something, it can make us anxious. If we talk about death, we can move on and enjoy our lives more.” Some participants discover that attending a Death Café has helped them learn how to talk about death with their own family and friends. Hannah has also found the discussion of death brings people together. No matter your beliefs, background or political affiliation, death is something we all share and will someday experience.
Interested in attending a Death Café? Hannah facilitates a Death Café on the first Saturday each month from 3-5 p.m. at Pohick Regional Library. Registration is required and space is limited. Learn more and sign up at FairfaxCounty.gov/library or by calling Pohick Regional Library at 703-644-7333, TTY 711.
This article is part of the Golden Gazette monthly newsletter which covers a variety of topics and community news concerning older adults and caregivers in Fairfax County. Are you new to the Golden Gazette? Don’t miss out on future newsletters! Subscribe to get the electronic or free printed version mailed to you. Have a suggestion for a topic? Share it in an email or call 703-324-GOLD (4653).